A truck driver would amuse himself by running over
lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the
side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy
the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve
back onto the road.
(at this point some of you are probably wondering
how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from
the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they
left!)
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he
saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a
good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road,"
replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb
in the truck." The happy priest climbed into
the passenger seat and the truck driver continued
down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down
the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.
But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck
with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away,
narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he
was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a
loud "THUD". Not understanding where the
noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when
he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and
said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I
got him with the door!"
A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When
he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced
the genie. "But there is one condition. I am
a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you
make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well
-- only double."
The man thought about this for a while. "For
my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,"
he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account
number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been
deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has
just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man
said. "That's my second wish."
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer
in the world has just received two Ferraris,"
the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the man, "I've always
wanted to donate a kidney...
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the
Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in
Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture,
and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track
him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his
favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty
six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're
under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll
blow your brains out!"
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger
didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer
was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that
the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of
the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo.
You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight,
insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of
utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake
up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney,
"and I want to take his place."
Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if
its OK with the undertaker."
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting
over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the
other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer
milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end
to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea
to just leave them there.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between
two cats.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked
"How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or
4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet
one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks
in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to
be?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for
dinner.He sees a sign remarking on the quality of
professional brain offerred at this particular brain
store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill
to get one ounce of brain?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their
parents did for a living. "Ram, you be first,"
she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Ram stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor.""That's
wonderful. How about you, Sham?" Sham shyly stood
up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is
a mailman." "Thank you, Sham," said
the teacher. "What about your father, Paul?"
Paul proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy
plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was
aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Paul's house and rang the
bell. Paul's father answered the door. The teacher
explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Paul's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.
How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To
his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of
him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St.
Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the
long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him
warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took
the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front
of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention,
but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all
the hours for which you billed your clients, and by
my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers
of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral.
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only
a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go
and bury 20 of them."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence.
They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor
of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first,
and the executioner follow."
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before
the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which
was spent discussing their respective professions,
ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new
Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps,
halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their
new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted,
natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of
lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the
lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
the end of time..)
"Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If
he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait
to see my digs!". (He's from south Italy)
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on,
the landscape below begins to appear more and more
mundane until they finally land on a street lined
with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup
on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to
leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in
a mild state of astonishment, cries out:
"Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that
lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual
leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look
here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted
with spiritual leaders from many times and religions.
We're putting you here with them so you guys can get
your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate,
because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make
it up here!!"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz,
and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later
that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided
at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get
out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your
aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for
?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I
didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and
took the car I stole."
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving
case and the defendent, who had both a record and
a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded
a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury
would take time, so the judge called a recess and
went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available
for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main
lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers
thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over
in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the
defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room,
the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone
waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally
out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room
to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff
returned, the judge said, "Well have they got
a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and
said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating
speeches for the foreman's position!"
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's
it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad",
said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave
of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through
the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked,
"Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother,
"Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer
and an honest man.'"
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool
for a client, but at least there will be no problem
with fee-splitting.
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot
Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37
hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better
lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon,
and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are,
lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells
down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where
we are?". And the man on the ground yells back
"You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you
tell?". George says "Because the advice
he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who
are still worried about George and Harry: They end
up in the drink, and make the front page of the New
York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
For three years, the young attorney had been taking
his brief vacations at this country inn. The last
time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's
daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days,
he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant
on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when
you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I
would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!" "Well,"
she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided
it would be better to have a bastard in the family
than a lawyer."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle
their differences once and for all. When Satan heard
this, he laughed and said, "And where do you
think you're going to find a lawyer?"
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.
After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked
him what inscription he would like on it. "Here
lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied
the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against
the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer" "But
that won't let people know who it is" protested
the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the
stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim,
"That's Strange!"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher
remarks to another, "Did you know that in our
lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our
experiments?" "Really?" the other replied,
"Why did you switch?" "Well, for three
reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so
attached to them, and thirdly there are some things
even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard
to exterpolate our test results to human beings."
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer
house in the country, to which he retreated for several
weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite
a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch
line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which
happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On
one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian
friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get
a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid
time in the country - rising early and living in the
great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and
his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries
for their morning breakfast. As they went around the
berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries
in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears
- a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the
two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend,
though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached
him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to
his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could,
and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed
his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with
the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still
there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer,
pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from
his friend's family danced in his head. He just had
to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears,
and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took
careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do
that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said
he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied
the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer
who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins
was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher,
rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over
to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor.
The last time I saw you was in court when you accused
me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right
here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't
fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent
a client you don't know what you're saying. Could
I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated
you knew everything there was to know about the practice
of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney
stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going
to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the
trial?
Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client
had tennis elbow?'
Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis
elbow and I know it when I see it.'
Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could
have an Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.'"
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost
confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady came in the
other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give
me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs
like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins.
I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason
I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff
seized everything in my office. This is the only place
that I can practice."
"If you give me something to releive the pain
I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were
a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney
stone just by looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much
acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some
of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember
on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of
Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife,
"That man is going to be in a lot of pain.'"
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can
I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me
was if I had examined the patient completely. It would
be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind
getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared
in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew
how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you
won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are
in a train. The Russian takes a bootle of the Best
Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks
it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka
of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka
as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we
have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest
of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them,
lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In
Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havana,
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good
cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just
throw them away...".
Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the
window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the
window, and throws the Lawyer through it...
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines
for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The Butcher
goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running
unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do
I have a right to demand payment for the meat from
the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and
stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without
a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher
hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to
the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later
-- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic
-- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope
from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.